And What to Do Instead

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Travis Rogers on the Parenting Athletic Kids podcast, and our conversation went right to the heart of something I see everywhere—in schools, on teams, and in families.

We are trying to prepare kids for a world that demands resourcefulness, resilience, and collaboration … But we were never really taught how to build those skills ourselves.

One of the most important ideas we explored is this:

Adults don’t struggle to teach these skills because they don’t care.
They struggle because they were never taught how.

Instead, most of us are running on inherited patterns—ways of reacting, coaching, and parenting that were passed down to us. And those patterns were shaped in a very different world.

They may not have been optimal before, but they certainly aren’t working in today’s world where the pressure is higher. The pace is faster. The stakes feel bigger.

So what happens?

We default to what our brains are wired to do under pressure:

1. We correct.
2. We push.
3. We point out what’s wrong.

We do what we were conditioned to do. Not because it’s effective—but because it feels urgent. It feels like it’s our only path.

Here’s the problem:

When we operate that way, we’re often triggering the very thing we’re trying to prevent.

When a child feels judged, corrected, or pushed, their brain doesn’t shift into learning mode. It shifts into survival mode.

And in survival mode, growth shuts down. There is no curiosity. There is no engagement. There is no intrinsic motivation. It’s fight, flight, or flee. Avoid or Accommodate. Comply or fake compliance.

Or we tell the child to  “be more confident” or “stay positive”. Stop and think, what does that even mean? How does one go about being more confident? Advice like that rarely works. It’s like telling someone to calm down when they’re upset—it sounds right, but it doesn’t help.

Practical coaching

This is where reframing stress becomes so powerful.

Most of us—and most kids—experience stress as a signal that something is wrong.

But what if we taught them something different?

What if stress wasn’t always a warning sign… but often a readiness signal? What happens when we treat that feeling of butterflies in the gut as a sign we are about to embark on something fun; we are about to grow; we are in the process of succeeding and winning?

In our conversation, we talked about helping kids recognize that those feelings—the nerves before stepping up to the plate, the tension before a big moment—are not signs to back away.

They are signs that something meaningful is about to happen.

Reality isn’t about the event, reality is about how we interpret the event. Shifting our interpretation changes that reality.

Instead of: “I’m nervous, something’s wrong”

It becomes: “I’m nervous—this is where I grow.”

Do We Walk the Walk?

But here’s a wrinkle:

Kids don’t learn that shift from what we say.

They learn it from what we model.

If we react to pressure with frustration, urgency, or criticism, they learn that stress is something to avoid or fight.

If we pause, breathe, and respond thoughtfully, they learn that stress is something to work with.

That’s the deeper work. It begins with ourselves.

And it’s exactly the kind of work Travis is doing with parents and athletes through his coaching at http://www.mindritetraining.com/.

He’s helping families build these skills in real situations—on the field, in competition, and at home.

And that’s exactly what I’m doing with the whole MindShifting framework and books.

Because at the end of the day, this isn’t just about sports.

It’s about giving kids the ability to face challenges, think clearly under pressure, and keep moving forward when things get hard.

If that’s something you care about, I think you’ll find real value in this conversation where we also discuss why criticism backfires, criticism through positive reinforcement, where learning happens best, and finding the right path for each child,

👉 Listen to the full episode here: