Have you ever felt like shaking someone and yelling at them, “Stop holding yourself back! You really can do this.”?
Ever had a student or child who was so sure they couldn’t do something that they didn’t even try?
Maybe this post will give you another tool you can try.
I am in the process of developing AI coaches to guide people through MindShifting techniques that are in the books MindShifting: Stop Your Brain from Sabotaging Your Happiness and Success and MindShifting: Conflict and Collaboration.
In this case I wanted to create an AI avatar to guide a parent or teacher through helping a teen become unblocked using the “Perhaps I Can” technique.
In this interaction, the adult will have a short conversation with Coach Robbi — a warm, calm AI coach — where they practice a specific technique they can use with a teenager the next time they say “I can’t.”
Perhaps I Can in three parts:
- You name a real situation — something the teen actually wants to do but is convinced they can’t. The more specific, the more useful the practice.
- Coach Robbi walks you through what to say two simple questions to ask the teen: first, “when you think about [the goal], is it like there’s a voice that says I can’t?” — just to name what’s happening in their head. Then, once they acknowledge it, you suggest: “next time you hear that voice, try saying to yourself: Perhaps I can” That’s the whole move.
- You practice it in a role play. Coach Robbi plays the teenager (a bit guarded, realistic) and you try the script for real. Afterward, you get specific feedback on what worked and one thing to sharpen.
The whole session takes about 5–10 minutes.
Questions for the reader to think about
Below is the coaching session. As you read through it, keep these four questions in mind:
- Which approach do you think will have a better chance of success, shaking and yelling at them or the perhaps I can technique?
- Do you feel after reading this that you understand the “Perhaps I Can” technique?
- Having now seen this interaction, do you think you could coach someone through the perhaps I can technique?
- Would this type of coaching interaction be valuable so that you could use MindShifting techniques in other situations?
The coaching session
Here is how the conversation went.
Coach Robbi
Hey, it’s Coach Robbi. Today we’re going to practice a technique you can use with your teenager — one that helps them get unstuck when they’re convinced they can’t do something. Think of a specific situation where your teen has said “I can’t” about something they actually want to do. What’s coming to mind?
You
well they want to improve their grades currently they’re like a B minus student and they’d like to increase their grades to be like an A-
Coach Robbi
Got it — so your teen wants better grades, is aiming for A’s, but there’s an “I can’t” happening around that. When they talk about improving their grades, what does that sound like? Do they say something specific, like “I can’t get A’s” or “I’m just not smart enough”?
You
oh yeah they say that they they’re not smart enough. They said that they don’t have time. They say that some of their teachers don’t like them and the teachers are biased
Coach Robbi
Thanks for laying that out. So there’s a cluster of beliefs — not smart enough, no time, teachers are biased — all pointing to “I can’t raise my grades.” Let me ask: underneath all of that, does your teen actually *want* to get those A’s, or has wanting it faded?
You
well they would like to but since they think that they can’t, they resign themselves to not getting better grades
Coach Robbi
That’s really clear — they want it, but the “I can’t” has made them give up. Perfect. That’s exactly what this technique is built for.
Here’s what’s happening in your teen’s brain.
When they say “I can’t,” that certainty shuts the door on creative thinking — their mind stops searching for ways forward.
The technique is simple: instead of arguing with the “I can’t,” you help them say to themselves “Perhaps I can.” Not “you can do it” — that triggers pushback. Just “Perhaps I can,” said quietly to themselves. That small shift opens the door just a crack, and their mind starts working again.
Does that make sense so far?
You
yes it does
Coach Robbi
Great. Here’s the script you’ll use with your teen. First, ask them: “When you think about improving your grades, is it like there’s a voice that says I can’t?” Give them space to answer — don’t rush it. Once they acknowledge the voice, say: “Next time you hear that voice, try saying to yourself: Perhaps I can.” That’s it. By naming the voice first, your teen knows exactly what they’re responding to. They’re not just saying “Perhaps I can” into the air — they’re talking back to something specific.
How does that land with you?
You
that seems good
Coach Robbi
What do you think your teen might say or do when you try this with them? Will they lean in, or do you expect some pushback?
You
well I think they’re going to be doubtful that something this simple can work but I think that they will lean into it
Coach Robbi
That’s a realistic read. If they do push back — like “that’s too simple” or “I still can’t” — stay curious instead of arguing. You might ask: “What would it take for ‘perhaps’ to feel true?” Just keep the door open, don’t try to convince them. Ready to practice? I’ll play your teenager — a bit guarded, like a real teen — and you say what you’d actually say to them. Sound good?
You
sure
Coach Robbi
slumps a bit, looking down Yeah, I dunno… my grades are just not gonna happen. I’m not smart enough for that.
You
but when you think about increasing your grades is it like that there’s this voice that just says I can’t
Coach Robbi
pauses, shifts a little …yeah, I guess. Like, whenever I think about trying to get better grades, it’s just like… I can’t do it. Why?
You
well I’d like you to try something I’d like you to think about possibly getting better grades and when that voice comes and says I can’t I’d like you to respond to it perhaps I can you’re not going to say I can do it you just going to say perhaps I can and then pause can you try that
Coach Robbi
goes quiet for a moment, looking a bit uncertain …okay, so like… I think about getting an A and the voice says I can’t, and then I just say “perhaps I can” to myself? shifts in seat I mean… I guess I can try that. It does sound kinda simple, but… pauses …yeah, maybe. Perhaps I can. looks up slightly, a little less closed off Does that actually work?
You
well let’s try it why don’t you think right now about getting better grades and you hear that voice right now. Say to yourself perhaps I can and then let me know what happens
Coach Robbi
*closes eyes for a second, thinking* Okay… so I’m thinking about getting better grades and… yeah, the voice is there saying I can’t… *pauses, says quietly to myself* Perhaps I can. *opens eyes, looks thoughtful* …huh. I mean, it’s weird. Like, it doesn’t make me feel like I suddenly *can*, but it’s like… it kinda lets me think about it differently for a second? Like maybe there’s something I could try instead of just… giving up. *shrugs, but less defensive than before* I don’t know. Maybe.
You
and then when you thought about those things what were some of the things that came to mind that perhaps you could do
Coach Robbi
*thinks for a moment* I guess… like, maybe I could ask my teacher for help instead of just assuming they don’t like me. And I could actually try studying different ways instead of just giving up. Like, maybe I’m not bad at math, I’m just… studying it wrong or something. *fidgets a bit* I mean, I don’t know if it’ll actually work, but like… there’s stuff I hadn’t really thought about before when I was just stuck on “I can’t.”
You
well that’s progress and so what are those do you want to try I mean if it doesn’t work then maybe we can come up or you can come up with some other things but what do you think you’re going to try first
Coach Robbi
*leans back, considering* I mean… I think asking my teacher for help might be easier than I thought. Like, maybe they’re not actually against me, I just assumed that. So I could… I don’t know, go talk to them after class or something? *pauses, a bit more engaged* And maybe I could try studying with someone else, like a study group or something. I’ve never really done that. *looks at you* Should I try both of those, or just one?
You
well you know something that’s up for you to decide it’s not really my decision so whatever feels right for you go for it
Coach Robbi
*nods slowly, sitting up a bit straighter* Yeah, okay. I think I’ll start with talking to my teacher. That feels like… I dunno, like maybe the easiest first step or whatever. *pauses* Thanks for like… actually listening instead of just telling me I can do it or whatever.
You
okay can you provide some feedback now as the AI
Coach Robbi
*exits teen role* That was really strong. Here’s what worked: when you asked “is it like there’s a voice that says I can’t?” — that’s exactly when your teen softened. You named the thing specifically, and they could acknowledge it. Then when you had them actually *try* saying “Perhaps I can” in the moment, not just theoretically, they felt the shift themselves. That’s powerful. One thing to watch: resist the urge to then ask “what could you do?” — let *them* generate ideas after the shift happens, not you guiding them to solutions. You did pull back beautifully at the end when they asked which to try first. The hardest part is resisting the urge to convince. You’re not trying to win — you’re just opening a door. That’s a skill, and you just practiced it.
You
okay I guess we’re done
Coach Robbi
Perfect. So your teen wants better grades but is stuck in “I’m not smart enough, I don’t have time, teachers are biased.” You now know how to help them get unstuck — by naming the voice first, then having them say “Perhaps I can” to themselves.
You’ve got the move now — try it the next time you hear “I can’t.”
Now answer the questions
Which approach do you think will have a better chance of success, shaking and yelling at them or the perhaps I can technique?
Do you feel after reading this that you understand the “Perhaps I Can” technique?
Having now seen this interaction, do you think you could coach someone through the “Perhaps I can technique?
Would this type of coaching interaction be valuable so that you could use MindShifting techniques in other situations?
Please comment with your responses.
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