What do you do when you, or perhaps someone you know or work with, constantly gets stuck? Every time that you (or they) get into some recurring situation the anxiety or anger comes out. The problem not only doesn’t get resolved, it often gets worse. It’s both predictable and seemingly unavoidable.

1. A Common Scenario

Here is one example we are all probably familiar with. We have all been there: a colleague, boss, subordinate, or family member repeatedly asks you to handle things for them.

The moment the request happens, you get flustered. Your fast-acting survival brain takes over, and you might just accept the task and feel used, get angry and lash out, or tactically agree but have absolutely no intention of complying. In these recurring, frustrating moments, you lose access to your resourceful, problem-solving mindset and get trapped in a stressful cycle.

Here is one of the methods that is covered in the MindShifting: Stop Your Brain from Sabotaging Your Happiness and Success book.

2. The Concept and Background

The S.C.O.R.E. model was developed in 1987 by Robert Dilts and Todd Epstein. Dilts and Epstein gave courses for therapists and coaches. One area that kept tripping up their course participants was helping others become resourceful when they were stuck in fight, freeze, or fawn mode. Dilts and Epstein devised the S.C.O.R.E. method as a way to coach patients or clients to be curious and confident.

The technique is specifically designed for recurring situations where you know you get blocked, allowing you to replace anxiety or frustration with a playful, curious, and resourceful state.

The core mechanism involves using an anchor—a specific stimulus like a touch, a word, or taking a deep breath—which triggers a feeling of competence from a past success. You then bring that anchored resourcefulness over to the specific situation that usually triggers your limbic state.

3. The S.C.O.R.E. Acronym

The letters stand for a method that takes people through a way of exploring the situation itself, what causes our reactions, and how to maintain a feeling of calm and resourcefulness so that we can achieve better outcomes.

• Symptoms: The immediate signs that tell you there is a problem, such as feeling blocked, used, or angry.
• Causes: The antecedent conditions, underlying triggers, or constraints that give rise to the symptoms (e.g., the person making the recurring request).
• Outcomes: Your desired result, goal, or the resourceful way you want to feel instead of the problem.
• Resources: The qualities, capabilities, reserves, and anchors you can bring to bear on solving the problem.
• Effects: The longer-term, systemic, and higher-level results that achieving the outcome will have on your life, family, or team.

And while there are five steps listed, MindShifting adds one more, between resources and effects, to simulate the situation and see if you can make it work in the simulation, a technique known as future pacing. Somehow, SCORFE doesn’t have the same ring to it as SCORE.

4. Simulating the S.C.O.R.E. Dialogue

To see how this works, imagine a dialogue designed to break the cycle of feeling used or angry. We are simulating this as a coach and the person they are coaching, but with practice, you can learn to ask yourself these questions in addition to being able to apply these questions to help others be more resourceful:

• Coach (Symptoms/Causes): “When you think about this recurring problem, what is the feeling you want to change, and what specifically triggers that feeling of being stuck?”
• Participant: “Whenever my colleague asks me to take on their tasks, I feel used, and I either accept it resentfully or snap at them.”
• Coach (Outcomes): “How would you like to feel instead when that happens?”
• Participant: “I’d like to feel calm, curious, and firm in setting my boundaries.”
• Coach (Resources): “Think of a time when you felt incredibly resourceful and firm. Describe that situation and how you feel.”
• Participant: “A few months ago, a vendor tried to push a last-minute change on us. I held my ground, calmly explained our contract, and we found a compromise. I felt grounded, confident, and completely in control.”
• Coach (Resources): “Imagine that you are feeling that right now. And as you feel it, create an anchor—like taking a deep breath and touching your shoulder—to trigger that feeling… Do you feel it and have you created that anchor?”
• Participant: “Yes.”
• Coach (Resources): “What is that anchor?”
• Participant: “I take a deep breath through my nose and relax as I breathe out.”
• Coach (Simulating/Testing): “Now take a deep breath and relax as you breathe out. Are you able to feel that same feeling of confidence and calm?”
• Participant: “Yes, I do.”
• Coach (Simulating/Testing): “Now, play that recurring situation in your head, where a colleague makes a request, probably an unreasonable request. Stop it right before they ask you to do the task. Use your anchor to stay in that resourceful state. What are three alternative ways you could respond?”
• Participant: “First, I could say, ‘I’d love to help, but my priorities are full today.’ Second, I could say, ‘I can’t take this on, but I can spare five minutes to brainstorm how you can do it.’ Third, I could just smile and say, ‘I’m focusing on my own deliverables right now, so you’ll have to tackle that one.’”
• Coach (Effects): “How do you feel about those three responses? Might one or more of them work?”
• Participant: “Yes, I think at least two of them might work.”
• Coach (Effects): “How do you see using this new approach moving forward, how will it change your working relationship in the long run?”
• Participant: “I think it will completely shift the dynamic. I’ll stop building up resentment, and they will learn to respect my boundaries. We’ll both end up being more productive and professional with each other.”
• Coach (Future Pacing): “Think about the next time you know you are going to see this colleague. Imagine them walking up to your desk right now. Trigger your anchor. How does it feel to be ready for them?”
• Participant: “It feels great. I actually feel prepared and calm instead of anxious.”
• Coach: “And when you are in that situation and you use your anchor, can you wonder, ‘That’s interesting, what could I do to take care of this in a new way?’”
• Participant: “Yes, I finally feel like I have a choice in how I respond.”

It can be very valuable to practice this with a trusted friend, coach, or family member. With a friend, you can help each other over obstacles and challenges. My kids are adults and at this point we will sometimes call each other to help us over our own blocks.

5. Applying S.C.O.R.E. to Yourself

While working with a coach is incredibly helpful, with practice, you can learn to ask yourself these questions to unlock your own resourcefulness. Let’s try this with a common challenge many leaders encounter.

Imagine you are facing a common leadership hurdle: you notice that you tend to dominate meetings. You constantly give your own ideas and comment on everyone else who talks, resulting in zero input from the rest of the team. You want to use S.C.O.R.E. to allow you to relax and encourage interaction rather than making judgments. Here is how your internal S.C.O.R.E. dialogue might look:

Question	Response
Symptom: What happens in meetings?	I dominate meetings and shut down others.
Cause: Why do I always end up doing all the talking in these planning meetings?	When someone shares an idea or there is a pause, my fast-acting survival brain tells me I need to jump in immediately with my opinion or keep the meeting moving. As a result, I dominate the room and shut down my team’s input.
Outcome: How would I like to feel instead?	I want to feel relaxed, curious, and comfortable with silence so that I can encourage interaction and let others share their ideas without me making snap judgments.
Resources: When have I felt truly curious and relaxed while listening to someone?	I felt that way when I was mentoring that new teacher last month and just wanted to hear their perspective. I’ll anchor that feeling of relaxed curiosity by taking a slow, deep breath and resting my hands on my notepad.
Future Pacing: Now, I’ll play the upcoming planning meeting in my head like a movie and come up with three choices.	Right when a participant finishes speaking, before I instinctively jump in to comment or judge, I’ll use my anchor. Standing in that relaxed, curious state, what can I do differently? I could count to three silently, ask ‘Can you tell me more about that?’, or say ‘What does everyone else think about this idea?
Effects: If I start stepping back and encouraging interaction, how will it change things?	My team will feel much more valued, we’ll uncover innovative ideas I would never have thought of alone, and our district plans will be much stronger and more collaborative.

6. Situations to Apply the S.C.O.R.E. Technique

This technique is highly effective for education leaders facing repetitive roadblocks. You can apply it when:

1. A colleague or family member repeatedly asks you to do tasks that make you feel taken advantage of.
2. You are facing a daunting, overwhelming project that triggers procrastination.
3. You are getting interrupted while in a deep state of concentration.
4. You have to speak publicly or present to a highly critical school board.
5. You are facilitating a meeting where team members immediately start complaining.
6. You are entering a conversation with a highly reactive or angry parent.
7. You see a student, teacher, coworker, or family member with one of the above recurring challenges, and you want to give them a new tool.

7. S.C.O.R.E. Cheat Sheet

For Individuals (The 8-Step Mental Simulation):

1. Identify the symptoms: What is the feeling you want to change?
2. Explore the causes: What specifically triggers that feeling?
3. Identify the outcomes: How would you like to feel instead?
4. Find your resources: Recall a time you felt that way and set a physical anchor (e.g., a deep breath and a smile).
5. Play the movie: Visualize the stressful event, stop right before you get blocked, and use your anchor.
6. Generate alternatives: While anchored in resourcefulness, come up with three new ways to respond.
7. Rewind and test: Replay the moment you usually feel blocked, use the anchor, and cycle through your new alternatives.
8. Future pace: Imagine a future situation where you will need this resourcefulness and practice using your anchor.

For Teams (The Spatial/Physical Timeline):

You can use this resource with your teams when the team gets stuck.

To make this more than a pen-and-paper exercise, physically arrange four flip charts in a line representing Causes, Symptoms, Outcomes, and Effects, with a fifth flip chart off to the side for Resources. Have the team physically step into each location as they record information. By physically moving through the sequence from “problem” to “solution,” the team unconsciously internalizes the direction of change “in the muscle” and can step off to gather what they need from the “Resources” space whenever it feels right.

This is just one of the techniques in the MindShifting: Stop Your Brain from Sabotaging Your Happiness and Success book.