Do you recognize yourself in any of these situations?

• Spouse and money: Your spouse makes a large, non-essential purchase without consulting you. When you raise a concern, they brush you off and say, “Since I earn more, I get to make the rules.”
• Coworker taking credit: In meetings, a coworker repeatedly takes credit for your ideas. When you try to clarify, they talk over you—loudly—so you bear it and stew silently.
• The friend who never takes no: You have a friend who is always asking for favors—rides, help moving, watching their pet, “just one more” thing. Whenever you try to set a boundary or say no, they push back, guilt-trip you, or keep pressing until you cave.

• Boss publicly shaming: Your boss regularly criticizes your work in front of others, demanding sweeping changes on the spot. It’s sucking out all the enjoyment from what would be a good job.
• Aggressive parent to a teacher: As an educator, you often receive emails from the same parents accusing you of failing their child and demanding an immediate grade change, with the threat of going to the principal, superintendent, or school board if you don’t comply.

And these aren’t even touching the different forms of sexual harassment.

If any of these feel familiar, you’re not alone. Most of us were never taught what to do when we’re dealing with someone who is consistently aggressive, narcissistic, predatory, or manipulative. We fall back on our “standard,” instinctive responses—and those usually don’t work very well.

Let’s look at why.

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The standard ways we deal with aggression (and why they fail)

When someone comes at us hard, our brains move into survival mode. We go into fight, flight, or freeze, and from there we tend to use a few predictable strategies.

1. Accommodating to keep the peace

We give in.

We say, “Fine, I’ll fix it,” “Sure, I’ll stay late,” or “Okay, I’ll change the grade this one time,” hoping the conflict will go away.

The problem is that with a truly aggressive or narcissistic person, accommodation usually teaches them that pushing works. Each time you yield, you reinforce the pattern:

• They become bolder next time.
• You become more resentful and exhausted.

Over time, what you intended as “keeping the peace” becomes a green light for continued bullying or manipulation.

2. Trying to collaborate or compromise

Many of us were taught that “good people” find middle ground. We explain our constraints, propose reasonable options, and try to meet in the middle.

That works beautifully when the other person is also interested in fairness.

It fails badly when the other person is in pure compete mode—when they only care about winning. In that case:

• Every concession you offer becomes their new starting point.
• Your attempts to collaborate effectively turn you into an accommodator.

If the other person is not interested in fairness, your insistence on fairness becomes a kind of vulnerability. You’re playing by rules they have no intention of following.

3. Reacting from anger or panic

Sometimes, instead of collapsing into accommodation, we swing the other way. We:

• Fire off an angry email.
• Lash out in the meeting.
• Say something cutting we later regret.

This is just the fight side of fight/flight. The problem is that our thinking narrows under stress. We lose the ability to be strategic. We often:

• Over-explain and give the other person more ammunition.
• Say things they will later use to discredit or punish us.
• Or, after an angry outburst, backpedal and give in even more.

So our standard moves—accommodate, over-collaborate, or lash out—rarely change the dynamic. In fact, they often lock it in.

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Strategies that can be successful (and how to prepare)

The good news is, you’re not powerless. There are strategies that can help you reclaim your agency with aggressive or narcissistic people.

These approaches are explored in depth in my book MindShifting: Conflict and Collaboration, but here’s a practical overview based on the five styles of resolving conflicts: Compete, Avoid, Accommodate, Compromise, and Collaborate.

1. Compete back—from a grounded place

If the other person is using a compete style, sometimes the only way to protect yourself is to stand firm and compete back.

This doesn’t mean shouting or escalating drama. It means:

• Knowing your bottom line in advance.
• Stating it simply and calmly:
  • “I’m not able to do that.”
  • “That doesn’t work for me.”
• Refusing to be pushed beyond it, no matter how they react.

There are two reasons this sometimes works:

1. Once an aggressor realizes you’re not an easy mark, they often adjust. They may not suddenly become kind and fair, but they become more cautious about steamrolling you, and sometimes they will genuinely move toward compromise or collaboration—after they hit your boundary.
2. When you calmly establish your boundaries and you are prepared to stay with them calmly, you will not be manipulated, you are un-messible-with.

How to prepare:
Before a known tough interaction, write down:

• What you are willing to do.
• What you are not willing to do.
• One or two short nonconfrontational phrases you will repeat.

Rehearse saying them out loud, so you’re not inventing language in the heat of the moment.

2. Tactical avoidance as self-protection

With some people, the healthiest move is to step back, not to dive into every confrontation.

Tactical avoidance might mean:

• Limiting your contact.
• Not responding to every provocative email.
• Steering conversations away from hot-button topics.

Why it sometimes works:
With truly toxic individuals, engagement is the hook. If you stop providing easy access to your time, energy, and emotions, they have fewer opportunities to manipulate you. You’re choosing survival, not surrender.

How to prepare:

• Identify the people and situations where you never seem to “win.”
• Decide:
  • When you will simply not respond.
  • Neutral phrases you can use: “I can’t discuss this right now,” or “I’ll think about it and get back to you” (and then choose not to).

This is not denial. It’s a conscious choice to protect yourself where meaningful change is unlikely.

3. Strategic avoidance as self-protection

There are some people who are toxic. Sometimes it’s necessary to write people out of your life, if not permanently, at least for a while.

4. Conscious accommodation

Sometimes, giving in is actually the smart choice—if you’re the one choosing it.

You might decide,

1. “You know what, this particular issue isn’t worth a battle. My energy is better spent elsewhere.”
2. “I think this means a lot to this person and they deserve a victory in this battle.”
3. “This is going to be like the dog who catches the car. They are going to learn from this, and I am going to be okay.”

Why it sometimes works:

• You preserve your strength for situations that truly matter.
• You avoid unnecessary escalation when the stakes are low for you.

The key is intent. You’re not accommodating out of fear. You’re making a strategic decision.

How to prepare:

• Clarify what’s truly important to you—and what isn’t.
• Set simple internal rules, like:
  • “If this costs me less than X in time or stress, I may just let it go.”
• Use self-talk: “I’m choosing to accommodate here. This is my decision.”

5. Flattery as a disarming tactic

Flattery alone isn’t a strategy, but it can be a useful tactic with narcissistic or ego-driven people.

You offer a genuine, focused compliment that gives them some of the admiration they’re craving, then pair it with your boundary or request.

For example:

• “You clearly care deeply about your child’s success. To support that, here’s what I can do…”
• “You’re very good at getting things done quickly. To make that possible here, I’ll need advance notice on any last-minute changes.”

Why it sometimes works:
Narcissists feed on admiration. When they feel seen, they may be slightly more open to hearing your limit. Flattery softens their defensiveness long enough for you to move the conversation to something more constructive.

How to prepare:

• Think of believable compliments you could honestly give.
• Practice pairing each compliment with a clear boundary or specific ask.

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Don’t go in blind

All of these strategies depend on one crucial step: preparation.

If you walk into a confrontation cold, your survival brain will take over, and you’ll likely fall back on the same patterns—accommodating, over-explaining, or lashing out.

If, instead, you:

• Anticipate the aggressive behavior,
• Decide in advance how you’ll respond, and
• Rehearse a few simple phrases,

then you don’t have to improvise under pressure. You can intercept your limbic reaction, access your “self-commander,” and choose the response that best protects you.

These dynamics—and the five conflict styles that sit underneath them—are explored in much more depth in my book, MindShifting: Conflict and Collaboration. But even before you read the book, you can start practicing this: notice where your usual responses aren’t working, and begin preparing a different script for the next time that aggressive person shows up.