A Conversation on Christina Eanes’s Essential Skills for Humaning Podcast

Many of us move through conflict on autopilot, defaulting to the same few patterns—competing, accommodating, avoiding, compromising—without ever realizing we could respond differently. On my second appearance on Christina Eanes’s Essential Skills for Humaning podcast, we dove into what it means to be in Sage during conflict, and how that connects to using strength-based feedback.

Being in Sage is being in a resourceful, grounded state of mind. It’s the opposite of being hijacked by your limbic (survival) brain. When you’re in Sage, you can see options, name your needs, and stay connected to the humanity of the other person—even if you strongly disagree. In survival mode, you react from habit, anger, or fear.

From that Sage state, assertiveness becomes possible and healthy. Assertiveness isn’t aggression. It’s simply being clear about:

• What matters to you
• What you’re willing and not willing to do
• The boundaries you need to protect your well-being

You actually cannot collaborate without some level of assertiveness. If you never share what you need, collaboration collapses into silent resentment or chronic accommodation. And while anyone can struggle with this, many women in particular have been socialized to fear that assertiveness will harm relationships—when in practice, people often respect you more when you are clear and direct.

Yes, you can communicate in a way that sets boundaries and also honors the other person.

That’s where strength-based feedback becomes a powerful companion skill. Instead of starting with, “Here’s what you did wrong,” you begin with a genuine strength the person showed, based on the same behavior:

• “You showed real initiative by jumping in and trying a new approach…”
• “Your creativity really came through in how you tackled that problem…”

Christina pointed out that there is a tendency to formulize compliments, like the feedback sandwich, compliment, criticism, feedback. Formulas are rarely effective, people see right through them. Or only mentioning strengths as a prelude to a request or criticism.

This can’t be formulaic. It only works if you regularly notice and name strengths, not just when you’re about to criticize. Since our brains register negative comments about 5–6 times more strongly than positive ones, consistently putting “deposits” in the relationship bank really matters.

When strength-based feedback is used in a more open, less defensive place, you create the opportunity to explore impact and learning: what worked, what didn’t, and what to try next. That includes using positive feedback without making a request, just finding opportunities to catch people doing things right.

If you’d like more context on how our stress, stories, and conflicts shape us, you can read the summary of my first conversation with Christina here:
“Why stress, stories, and conflict shape us more than we realize”.

And I encourage you to listen to the full Essential Skills for Humaning episode with Christina and me, where we unpack being in Sage, conflict modes, and practical tools you can start using right away.