I follow Anya Kamenetz on Substack because she always brings fresh eyes to different contexts.

Her recent post, The Secret Third Thing, provides advice about “how to get out of any conflict.” Since I’ve just written a book on Conflict and Collaboration, this really sparked my interest.

Drivers of conflicts

The article describes three of the drivers of human thought.

1. The human mind’s drive toward binary. One driver of human thought is to frame issues as good/bad, right/wrong, helpful/harmful, urgent/okay.
2. We often attach blame, judging that someone or something is at fault, which means we either fix it or them, we play victim, or maybe we freeze or run away.
3. When events don’t resolve based on our actions, or when we think they will not resolve, we become anxious of fearful.

This is a core of many of our conflicts.

Kamenetz advises that a sense of curiosity rather than judgment frees up energy for change. This is called the secret third thing, which is an Internet meme. As she writes, it’s “a choice beyond the conflicts, binaries, polarities that are always being presented to us. Yes or no, right or wrong, black or white, good or bad, girl or boy.”

In conflict, we are advocating one side, the other party is advocating a different side. The other party is sometimes arguing in bad faith, and when that happens and we continue to debate, we lose before we even begin. We are accepting the other party’s rules; but if we respond in a way that breaks out of their rules, we break free and “eat” their argument.

Her example:

Them: Renewables are too expensive

Debating by their rules: Actually they are cheaper than fossil fuels now. (offering reason and facts, but if they are arguing in bad faith, they would disregard our data and walk over us)

Third Thing: Homicidal fossil fuel executives have been paying people to lie and deny the harms of their products for years. You are either getting paid by them to say that or else you were suckered by one of their paid shills. (which goes above and beyond the debate, winning the discussion for “our” side)

Or a more personal example, in the case of a couple with a newborn:

Mom to dad: you need to do more, I am doing all the work here.

Dad to mom: I work all day and come home and I do what I can; you are home all day, you have time when the baby is asleep, why can’t you give me a break?

Third Thing: With the new baby, there is a lot more to do, and different priorities, than either of us is used to, Let’s find ways to give each other some grace and some space and cover the most important things.

Kamenetz says that this doesn’t necessarily win over the other people, but it shifts the energy away from fruitless debate into the key question.

Resolving Conflicts

For me as a student of conflicts and conflict resolution, I accept that that our drive to binary, our quickness for blame, and our fight/flight/freeze reactions lead to many conflicts.

And I agree that we can reframe the central question of conflicts, and that by reframing the question we are often contributing to more meaningful discussion which can lead to long-term solutions.

And I agree that it is fruitless to try to collaborate or compromise with someone who is arguing or conflicting in bad faith, although I question how often this occurs, and I disagree that most of the people on the other side are arguing in bad faith. I think we are often arguing from different values, that when we examine our positions, we all have ambivalences, and that we can clarify those values for more meaningful discussions.

And I agree that reframing an argument is one possible way to resolve a conflict.

Reframing, or the third thing, isn’t “the way to get out of any conflict.” It’s one possible way that will work with some conflicts and with some people. And certainly, the reframing example in the fossil fuel conflict isn’t going to have the desired effect on the other party.

It’s not that easy, and there is no magic pill that will resolve most conflicts.

• You have to know how to stay in resourceful or curious mindset instead of fear or anxiety mode.
• You should understand how group dynamics and cognitive biases shape all of our thinking.
• You should be competent in the five ways of resolving conflicts, and how and when to use them from a resourceful mindset.
• You should understand how to nudge conflicts toward collaborative discussions that create possibilities that neither side could have devised on their own, instead of intractable conflicts that divide and destroy.

If you’re interested in learning more, check out the new MindShifting: Conflict and Collaboration book, and consider joining the prelaunch team toward the bottom of the page in that link. You can even prepurchase the book on Amazon.