Today, August 24, is my birthday and my aunt Sally called to wish me a happy one.

Sally is my dad’s sister and is a sprightly 96 years old. She’s on the left, next to her daughter, my cousin.

We talked about family, how people don’t always listen even when we have great advice, and she told me about something I’d said to her about 25 years ago that had really changed the way she looked at those types of discussions.

Sally had called my wife to mention that every birthday, for each of our kids, she would get them a gift and she never ever received an acknowledgment or thank you. My wife replied that if a person decides to give another person a present, they were really doing it for themselves and they were not owed any thank you’s. If they enjoyed giving persents to people they should do it and if they didn’t they shouldn’t, but it really had nothing to do with the receiver of the gift, especially if they had never asked for it. Then she told Sally that if Sally enjoyed getting presents for our kids, she should continue to do it, and if she didn’t or expected to receive thanks or acknowledgment she shouldn’t.

That upset Sally, and the next day she called me, recounted the conversation, and told me my wife’s attitude was unhealthy, that kids should learn to thank people for favors and presents, it was part of being a member of society and family, and so on.

Sally said that my response floored her.

She said my first statement was that I agreed that kids should be sending thank you notes. Then I said that in any relationship you have to pick the things you are going to stand up for and fight about. You can’t have a relationship and fight about everything you disagreed about. Sometimes you give in, sometimes you compromise, sometimes you find a way to do what you need to and avoid confrontation, sometimes you work it out, and sometimes you stand up and insist.

I’d continuted that for me, this wasn’t one of those things that I was going to fight over. She said that that conversation changed the way she approached conflicts. She acknowledged that while it was meaningful for her, she could see that in the grand scheme of things there were other situations that were more important.

As Sally was talking, I remembered that conversation. At the end, we each told the other that we loved each other, we’ll talk again in a couple of weeks, and said our goodbyes.

Without being fully aware of it, I’d gone over the five different styles of conflict resolution: Compete, Accommodate, Avoid, Compromise, and Collaborate.

There is a lot more about how to use those styles in the Conflicting and Collaboration: MindShifting with Mitch volume 3 book that’s coming out in November.