Here’s something I’ve noticed during my life: almost everyone has something they need to say that they’re not saying.

You might want to talk to a colleague whose work isn’t what it should be. You might want to set a boundary with a family member. Maybe you want an honest conversation with a child or teen who keeps missing the mark. We carry these things around — sometimes for weeks or months — because every time we imagine the conversation, we also imagine the reaction. The defensiveness. The justifications. The hurt feelings. The argument.

And when we do finally say something, they often react in exactly the way we feared.

The reason isn’t that we’re bad communicators. One cause is that our instincts, by default or under pressure, push us toward language that carries judgment — and judgment triggers a defensive response before the other person has even really heard what we’re trying to say.

Why judgment shuts the conversation down

Here’s what happens neurologically when someone hears a judgment about themselves. The amygdala — the brain’s threat-detection center — activates within a fraction of a second. Stress hormones flood in. This reaction is pre-language and pre-consciousness. As humans, we aren’t even aware of it. 

The prefrontal cortex, where nuanced thinking, empathy, and genuine listening live, gets suppressed. And suddenly the person in front of you isn’t in a conversation anymore. They’re in a defense.

“You’re always late.” “You never follow through.” “You’re being difficult.” These phrases are like pulling a fire alarm in the other person’s brain. No matter how valid your underlying concern is, they can’t hear it once the alarm is going off.

The philosopher J. Krishnamurti put it about as clearly as anyone ever has.

“Observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence.” 

Of course, it’s also one of the hardest things to do — especially when we’re frustrated, worried, or feeling like we’ve been ignored too many times. That’s where Nonviolent Communication comes in.

The four steps

Nonviolent Communication — developed by Marshall Rosenberg and used in everything from schools to conflict zones — isn’t about being soft or avoiding hard truths. It’s about communicating them in a way that keeps the other person’s brain in a state where they can actually receive what you’re saying. It has four steps.

Let’s say an employee or student is habitually late with their work.

Step 1: Observe.  State what you actually saw or heard — not your interpretation of it, and not your judgment about what it means. This sounds simple. It isn’t. Our brains generate judgments almost automatically, and they slip into our language faster than we realize.

Instead of:

“You’re irresponsible and always missing deadlines.”

Try:

“Your last three reports came in after the agreed deadline.”

Step 2: Feel.  Share your emotional experience without making the other person responsible for it. The feeling comes from the situation — not from the person. That distinction matters enormously for how it lands.

Instead of:

“You’re stressing me out.”

Try:

“I feel concerned, because I want you to have the best chance to succeed here.”

Step 3: Need.  Name what you value or need in the situation. This helps the other person understand where you’re coming from before you’ve made any kind of demand.

Example:

“I need to know that agreements we make together are something I can rely on.”

Step 4: Request.  Make a specific, actionable request — framed as a request, not a demand. A request invites collaboration. A demand triggers the same limbic alarm as a judgment.

Example:

“Would you be willing to let me know by end of day if you’re going to need more time?”

What this sounds like in practice

Here’s a full version of a conversation with a student whose homework hasn’t come in for several weeks:

The default approach:

“You’re irresponsible and always missing deadlines. You’re stressing me out. I need to know that you will be more responsible in the future.”

The NVC approach:

“I’ve noticed that your assignments haven’t come in for the past few weeks. I’m feeling a bit concerned — not because I’m frustrated, but because I know you’re capable of good work and I want you to have every chance to show that. I need to make sure all my students have a fair opportunity to succeed. Would you be willing to share what’s been going on? Maybe we can figure out something that makes it easier.”

That conversation might not be perfect. The student or employee might still be defensive. But it opens a door. And a version that starts with “What’s going on with you? You keep missing deadlines” closes one.

The same framework works just as well for more complex situations. A conversation with a boss who criticised you unfairly in a meeting. A discussion with a partner about something that’s been building for a while. A difficult message to a colleague whose behavior is affecting the team. They all can use the same pattern:  1) state what you observed, 2) convey how you felt, 3) communicate your and possibly their needs, 4) propose an action or series of actions. The four steps create a structure that keeps the conversation in the realm of connection rather than confrontation.

One important thing to add

Nonviolent Communication is not a performance. If you go through the four steps while internally rehearsing your judgment, the other person will feel it. The technique only works when it comes from a genuine place — a real curiosity about what’s happening for the other person, and a genuine desire to find a way forward together.

That’s the MindShifting piece. It starts with getting yourself into a resourceful mindset — into genuine openness — before the conversation begins. The words follow from there.

Maya Angelou is often credited with the observation that people may forget what you said, and forget what you did, but they will always remember how you made them feel. In my experience, the four steps of NVC are one of the most reliable ways I know to make people feel heard, respected, and genuinely met — even when the message is hard.

The download 50 Questions that Change Minds can be very useful to guide these conversations, and you can see that download discussed below.

This article draws on concepts from MindShifting: Conflict and Collaboration . If any of this resonated, there’s much more to explore in the book — including real conversations, worked examples, and practical tools you can apply straight away. There you’ll find the NVC framework in full, with detailed examples across a range of real-world situations — from classrooms to boardrooms to kitchen tables.